Let's Talk About Sex...After Pregnancy

“No intercourse for six weeks.” This was my doctor’s advice after I gave birth to my first child. Seemed simple enough, I just birthed an entire human - sex was the last thing on my mind. Six weeks did not seem like a long time of abstinence. I was bleeding, cramping, sore and swollen. Sure, six weeks are easy. Sadly, nobody told me what would happen after those six weeks have passed.

Throughout our pregnancy, everyone is hyper focused on our belly. Is it growing? Too slow? Too fast? Measuring small or large? Contractions? Dilation? Blood flow? Amniotic fluid? Our relationship changes ad we are evolving from being spouses or partners to becoming parents. For some couples, sex during pregnancy is a challenging topic. Some women do not feel comfortable with intercourse, sometimes medical conditions prompt pelvic rest, in some instances it is the man that does not seem interested in sex. Other couples may experience quite the opposite - a flourish sex life where they just cannot get enough from each other. You may be relieved to hear that all of this is a variation of normal.

While we may have a good reason to be concerned with sex during our pregnancy, there does not seem to be much of a reason to worry about sex post partum. The instructions are so clear. 6 weeks is all it takes before everything is back to “normal”. But does it really take six weeks? There's really no one-size-fits-all time for resuming sexual activity. Six weeks seems like a good timeframe because you typically return to your OB after six weeks for your post partum check-up. New studies have found that it is safe to engage in sexual activity once the post partum bleeding has stopped. Most importantly, once the woman feels comfortable and ready.

I try to cover this topic with my clients if the opportunity arises. It is important for me to make it clear that the first sex after baby should not happen because the woman feels pressured to. “You better give him some before someone else will.” or “Follow your wifely duties!” are just some examples of what new mothers may be hearing from their friends, family or spouse. Having sex because we feel obligated to is wrong. It is unhealthy and it is not much fun. The post partum period, our fourth trimester, is exhausting. New mothers are tired, they feel uncomfortable with their new bodies, self-conscious and sometimes vaginal tears or surgery scars cause pain and discomfort. So why rush sex?

Don’t get me wrong, there are women that cannot wait to be intimate with their significant other. I love that! It is wonderful when your recovery is going well, you are in the mood and you follow your desire to be close to your partner. This should not set the bar for other couples that may need to take things a little slower. Sex after baby is not a race. It is intimate and it should be something that can be enjoyed by both partners. How? There are some tricks to make your “first time” special and fun.

1) No pressure. This shouldn’t require an explanation but I will make it clear. Do Not Pressure your partner to have sex. Try to be a little patient. Start with romantic dinners or date nights, cuddle up, take a shower or bath together all without expectation that it will lead to more. Be clear that you respect each other’s boundaries.

2) Invest in lube. You may not be aware, but breastfeeding and birth in general can really dry things out down there. Generally it is a good idea to start out with some additional lubrication to ensure that discomfort is kept to a minimum. Lube does not have to be awkward, you can incorporate it in fun ways. You can try Pure Romance “Pure Pleasure” lubricant for maximum effect. “Turn On” is another water-based, vegan, and long lasting lubricant available through Amazon. Just click the image!

3) See a Pelvic Floor Specialist if you are experiencing pain and discomfort. Sex after baby should not hurt. Personally, I am a big fan of Lynn Schulte who operates out of the Denver, CO area. Not local to Colorado? Not to worry, her online courses are amazing as well. You can find more information here. If you would like to connect to an amazing pelvic floor therapist virtually, reach out to Laurel Proloux with FEM.Unfolding. She has been a great resource for the women I have had the pleasure of working with.

4) Switch positions. Your former favorite may not be your go-to right now and that is ok. Some women do not feel comfortable in positions that allow deep penetration. Try to switch things up! Spooning or a Reverse Cowgirl position may be a good way to start out. Another way to get things going is with oral sex and transitioning from there to intercourse. You can make oral sex more fun with edible flavored gel like Crazy Girl or Sugar Daddy. A pillow under your butt may also help make things more comfortable for you.

There is no right or wrong way of “doing it”. There is also no right or wrong time to start “doing it”. Your body has changed and evolved and while sex may seem a little awkward at first, trust me that you will start enjoying yourself again. I do want you to be mindful of any soreness or pain you are experiencing. Our pelvic floor can sometimes be injured from birth and it is important that we see a specialist (not your OB!) if pain during intercourse is an issue. For women who experienced vaginal tearing, it is also worth exploring the possibility that your stitches were not put in correctly, subsequently causing you pain. While it is certainly normal to feel a little sore at first, the majority of women will not experience any complications after birth!

So, if you are in the mood - Have Fun! If you are not quite there yet - take your time!