Pregnancy, Motherhood and your Career - Finding a Work/Life Balance

Mother, Wife, Homemaker, Career Woman - Superwoman.

Many women in today’s age find themselves in a unique situation. We have embraced and celebrated the movement of emancipation and are pursuing our own educational and career goals. And then we decide it is time to start a family! A well thought-out decision, planned meticulously or maybe an Oops moment that forced us to decide between career or motherhood, or both? Is both even a viable option? Is it possible to find a balance between career and motherhood? Or do we need to make a decision for one or the other? What is our future going to look like and how can we prepare adequately for what is to come?

I have been referred to as “Superwoman” on countless occasions and I am not sure if the title remotely describes me as an individual. I am a mother first, always. There are 7 humans of different ages that depend on me, some more and some less. I hold a Master’s Degree in Financial Management and Information Systems along with multiple professional certifications. I have a great career in state government and love the work I do. I run our household, cook and clean, take my kids to their extra-curricular activities and I run my own business. To me, this is normal. It is the life I have built over the years, by my choice, and the day-to-day tasks that I take pride in. Is it a bit much sometimes? Yes. But we grow with our challenges and pressure creates diamonds, right?

When I start comparing my own workload with that of other women or that of my husband, I get frustrated. How is it that as women, we are somehow expected to do it all while men go to work in the morning, come home at night and take care of a few household chores here and there? I have long stopped comparing because the truth is, we are just not the same. Over time, women have fought for equal rights which resulted in the ability to pursue education and career without letting go of any of our previous responsibilities around home and children. Childcare is still looked upon as a primary responsibility of the mother (yes, I know things are changing but let’s face it…that’s where we are currently at). Even worse, little to no value is placed on raising our children. Being a stay-at-home-mother is not something we look to add to our resume - we rather try to fill in these “gaps in employment” with volunteer activities and pro bono work.

As a doula, I work with women from all walks of life. I have worked with lawyers, scientists, highly educated women, active duty Soldiers, Veterans, homeschooling mothers,…the list is endless. Many of my clients feel the pressure to maintain or build their career while also succeeding and exceeding expectations as mothers and wives. Pregnancies progress and we avoid thinking about how life will go on once this sweet baby is here. We work endless hours to try and establish ourselves at work, to show our commitment to the team, prepare for our absence during maternity leave. We are so busy and dedicated to our career that we forget to prepare for our birth, we forget to enjoy our pregnancy and we forget that this is a special time in our lives where we need to shift some of our energy towards finding work-life balance. Self-care during pregnancy is important. It is foundational to healthy pregnancy outcomes that we create and hold space for ourselves. Seems impossible? I know. I have been there and I did not succeed. What followed was the feeling of failure, burn-out and overwhelm. This will not be you.

If you think that overwhelm and burn-out are reserved only for those of us who work, you are incorrect. We may “only” be a stay at home mother or a military spouse that does not work, and yet, welcoming a new baby while maintaining ourselves, our homes, and our social life can feel incredibly overwhelming. The truth is that this is a pivotal point in our lives and we need to adapt. It is far-fetched to think that we can move on with life as if nothing happened when we are growing a human, giving birth and transforming into a mother. So, how do you prevent burn-out and overwhelm you ask? What can we do to prepare for the years to come? Will you be able to do it all?

The good news is that you are the creator of your own happiness and you can achieve anything you put your mind to. Now that we have established that, I need to tell you that you have to set boundaries. That’s a tough one because from my own experience, we do not want to appear as if we can’t manage everything that comes our way. Setting boundaries does not mean that you can’t handle the multi-facetted life you created. It means that you are setting priorities, delegating and sharing responsibilities, reduce unnecessary work so you can focus on things that benefit you and your family and that bring you joy. You are not in this by yourself! You have a family, a partner or maybe spouse, friends and coworkers that can support you if they are given a chance to. This does not only apply to the immediate post partum period, it applies to the next 18 years. Find your village! Share responsibilities, swap childcare, take turns taking the kids to their activities. Don’t be shy to ask and accept meals from your church members or unit. Hire a post partum doula! As tempting as it is to do everything yourself because “you got this”, just don’t. Look at it as a strength to accept help from others because it will save you from burn-out and make you a better mother and more successful career woman.

I had to have some “come to Jesus” moments in my past. I remember all to well, the sweet lady who offered to bring my kids home from school. She offered so many times and I politely declined each time because I did not want to seem like a bad mother, unable to organize her life enough to pick her kids up from school. Today, this woman is one of my closest friends. My kids have become her kids and vice versa. I know she would leave everything at the drop of a dime to be there for my family and I love her dearly for it. This relationship only developed because I finally let my guard down and allowed it to happen. It is ok that you cannot clone yourself! I hired a babysitter who brought my kids to bed every night while I was working late and attending meetings from my home office. I just had to in order to keep my sanity and stay on my career path. This babysitter turned into something like family and I am forever grateful for her. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders to know my kids were taken care of while I worked. It also allowed me to keep my job, get that promotion and stay true to myself on my own path. See, we don’t have to give up the career or choose between motherhood and our jobs. We can have it all, but it takes a lot of work, some level of being organized and the ability to accept help. Do I feel guilty sometimes? Yes. Then I remind myself that I am more than just mom. I am Kim. I have goals, dreams, hopes and aspirations that need fulfilled to make me happy. I don’t have to sacrifice that for my children but I have to compromise. When I am off work, we make it count. We take trips and spend time together. I attend school functions and sports meetings as often as I can. We have special days, traditions and my kids get a treat here and there that I can only afford because I work.

Some things I find important are family meals, quality time with each individual child, kisses good night, praise for a job well-done, recognition of feelings and achievements, support through periods of struggle and the “I love you” before school. My kids know how proud I am of them. They know I love them unconditionally, they know they can make mistakes and I will support them, and they know I am there when it matters the most. I am home when they are sick and I dry their tears when they cry. I may not pack fancy lunches or volunteer in the classroom, but I make our time together count. Meanwhile, I can focus on my own life without feeling that I missed an opportunity. This lifestyle is not for everyone - it does not have to be. No matter your choices, you are no more or less than the next mother! We are all different but one thing unites us: We do everything we do in the best interest of our children. So if you see the active duty mother struggling to find overnight care for her infant, give her a hand. If you see the stay at home mom exhausted because she just can’t get a break, offer to take her kiddos out for ice-cream. We are here to support each other and lift each other up. As women. As mothers. As wives. As career women. As individuals.